Faith

I was asked to present a very short talk on faith to the youth during our youth conference in June.  I have also begun to work on my personal progress goals.  As a result I have been thinking about faith quite a lot.
 
I found a section in the Bible dictionary that really struck a chord with me.  It says, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves it's possessor to some kind of physical and mental action; it carries an assurance of the fulfillment of the things hope for."

I love Alma 32!  Faith is like a seed.  We have to wait to see the tomatoes or corn just as we sometimes have to wait to see the results of the times when we exercise faith.  Alma also states that faith is not to have a perfect knowledge.  I think of our lives like a jigsaw puzzle.  Each person we meet, experience we have, or trial to overcome, is like a piece of our life puzzle.  We may not see how they all fit together at the time.  Fortunately, our loving Heavenly Father has the box.  He can see the beautiful picture our lives can become.  We must have faith to follow Him. 

When I was 22 years old, I had just graduated from college, I had a boyfriend (Paul), and I was ready to move forward to the next stage of my life.  Then things began to point toward a mission.  Friends were returning from their missions, I couldn't find a job, my dad even mentioned that the mission field was where he thought I should be.  When I talked to Paul about it, he asked "Have you prayed about it?"  I answered that no, I hadn't.  When he asked me why, I responded that I didn't want the answer, I didn't want to go.  I prayed and received the strongest answer of my life.  So many questions remained, "What about my career?" "What about Paul, will he be here when I return?".  But, those questions didn't matter.  I had received an answer and so I trusted that Heavenly Father had a plan for my life.  He sees My "big picture".  Although it was a step into the dark for me, in hindsight I can see how those pieces fit in my puzzle.

Time Out for Women

Last weekend I went to Time Out for Women in Layton.  Not only was the conference amazing but I had the fun opportunity to be there with my sister Laurie and all of her girls, Ashlie, Haley, Kori, Whitney, and Courtney.  I really had a fun time.  Things like that are a real breath of fresh air to my soul.  It's great to find the individual inside the mommy.

One of those days

Today was one of those days when being wife, mother, maid, laundress,Cub Scout leader, summer activities director, gardener, landscaper, lawnmower, motivational speaker, disciplinarian, educator, life counselor, computer graphics expert, television screener, social director, nutritionist, chef, shopper, coupon clipper, boo-boo kisser, librarian, piano practice enforcer, referree, nay sayer, tantrum diffuser...etc...etc...etc... is just more than I can tackle.  I'm wishing for a cold drink, a comfy lounge chair, a good book, and some guilt-free quiet.

Woman of God

I was reading this blog in which Morgan is writing her own personal manifesto which, by the way, I think is a wonderful idea and I will be pondering my own.  Anyway, I was struck by a phrase she used and have been thinking about for the whole day.  She called herself "a Woman of God".  We hear "Daughter of God" often in the church.  "Daughter of God" or "Child of God" brings to mind words and phrases such as potential, loved, cherished, protected, self-worth, images of a loving Father.

As I thought about what it means to be a "Woman of God", I think of strength of character, courage, power to do good, leadership, compassion, service.  I see a woman who stands strong in her own beliefs, testimony, and commitment.  A woman who leads out, who doesn't lean on, or wait for others, whether it be parents, husband, siblings, church leaders, visiting teaching companion, etc.  She is a woman of action not just intentions.  A woman of vision who sees what can be and works to make it happen.  A mother of confidence who teaches with strength, love and compassion.

As I consider these traits, faces of women come to mind.  These are women I admire, look up to, and aspire to be like them.  Among them are my mother and sisters, nieces, neighbors, friends, ancestors, women from history, those from the past and those making history today.

I am a Daughter of God working to become one of these Women of God.  I have the examples, I have the blue prints, help, support, love, and confidence of my Father in Heaven.  What I lack is focus and daily determination to live deliberately, to take advantage of individual moments...to always remember my goal, my destination.

A Wise Woman Told Me

The other day, Emma asked me why I put on make-up.  I was taken back to a conversation I had with my mother as a young teenager.  I asked her a similar question.  I wanted to know why she would go to all the trouble of fixing her hair and make-up when she knew she wouldn't even be leaving the house that day.  Her answer has stuck with me all these years.  She said that in part, she did it for when my dad comes home, but more importantly she did it for herself.  She told me that she always felt more ready to tackle her day, and therefore accomplished more.  She also felt more confident and better about herself.
I have found this to be true for me too.  If I hang out in my pajamas all day I accomplish very little.  Now don't get me wrong, this in no way means that I am bright and shiny by 7 am.  Today for example, I threw on some clothes and a hat over my "Pippi braids" as Paul calls them so I could drive carpool and then come home to till the garden and shovel MORE dirt.  Then later I will be digging up raspberries to transplant for my huge raspberry patch that I have been dreaming of for years.  But, at some point today, I will shower and do my hair (if only a pony tail), and put on some make-up because it makes me feel better!  Some days it is 5pm before I get to this point but I still do it because getting there eventually is better than not getting there at all!
I am not a spa day kind of girl.  I've never had a pedicure or manicure, unless you count that one fake nail I got to match the others when my nail broke 3 days before my wedding.  I buy my make-up at Target or the grocery store,wherever I happen to be when I remember.  I get my hair cut, etc once every 4 or 5 months.  You get the idea.  However, I hope to never stop making myself feel ready to tackle my world!  Besides, it gives Paul an unspoken message about the kind of day I've had.  If he comes home to a make-upless face, he knows he better be on his game because it's been one of those days. :)

Mother's Day

For me Mother's day is a love/hate relationship. I love that my sweet hubby works hard to make me breakfast in bed, my kids make cards and pick dandelions and other wildflowers and smother me in "I love you"s and kisses and hugs. Paul is also a master at picking just the right card to make me cry and manages to find the perfect gift for me. Some years it's jewelry, some times it's a carpet cleaner or miter saw (hint, hint), but whatever he gets it's always just perfect. I know without a doubt I am loved. Who wouldn't want to celebrate that?

I guess the hate part comes in when I reflect on my idea of the kind of mother I wanted to become. The Norman Rockwell picture of warm chocolate chip cookies in a tidy house. The listening, sympathetic ear and hugging arms readily available at all times. Fun educational crafts and projects always waiting in the wings, ready at a moments notice. Infinite patience and good advice for every heart break. Knowing just what to do in any given situation. Enabling them to participate and experience every sport, every instrument, educational opportunity while still managing to find balance to play and have a carefree childhood. To have an unending source of energy, and never be "too tired". Somewhere deep inside, past all logic, my guilt says I am less of a mother than I could be, not the mother I should be, not the mother my kids need to help them reach their full potential. As Paul and I discussed this, he told me to think of it this way... I am the perfect grandma in training. I think being a grandparent would be great! Have them when you want them and when your patience or energy runs out, or they have a dirty diaper, send them home.

I think the most amazing thing about motherhood is when you realize why the Savior asked us to be like little children. By design, they are forgiving and offer unconditional love. A child looks for reasons to smile and laugh. They choose to be happy. When I ask my girls if they are happy they always say yes. When asked why the answers are always, in my mind, small and simple things like "It's sunshiney outside" or "I'm drawing a picture" or "Cause I'm with my mom". It is only as we reach adulthood that we put on the blinders of drudgery, focusing on the "have to"s and losing sight of the "get to"s. Inately, children don't feel guilt but as a mother, sometimes I let it consume my life.

Oh, to be more childlike. To want to dance even when there isn't any music. To laugh because I can't hold it in any longer. To blow dandelion seeds without the guilt of unfinished chores. To find shapes in the clouds. To not only forgive but forget so completely. To love without judgement or expectations. And to play, to really play.

New weight loss program!

Paul and I have lost some weight since last fall. In fact, about 20 lbs. each. We still have more to go but I can say that we aren't burnt out, our cravings aren't out of control and we aren't eating weird food. We have discovered our own weight loss program and guarantee that I will work for anyone who needs to get to a healthy weight. People are noticing and I have to admit it feels good. Many people have asked what diet we are doing. In the past we did South Beach but the cravings took us DOWN after the initial 2 weeks. We've join gyms with circuit training and other "guaranteed" programs. And let's face it, some of the stuff out there is down right dangerous and unhealthy.
I believe everyone has to find what works for them. Just get healthy! Sooo, do you want to know what has worked for us? Do you really want to know our secret? Lean in close, closer, closer... I can tell you the acronym to make it sound official
GAG ESEC (no gag does not refer to any type of eating disorder). Are you ready for this earth shattering new idea? Here it is:
Get
A
Grip

Exercise and
Stop
Eating
Crap

That's it! It's not a new idea, it's a lifestyle changing one. It's not fast, but after a while it is addictive and your body feels so much healthier. We all know what needs to be done, we just lack the will power to do it. And you have to do both exercise and eating right for it to work. Some programs claim you can eat anything and everything you want and still lose weight, there's a lie in ther somewhere! We live in a world of quick easy fixes, but we all know that lasting change takes time, effort, and will power. We decided it was time to change our present and our future. Paul ran a 10k last week and is gearing up for a half marathon on Memorial day. I am so proud of him. We want to be able to keep up with our kids and enjoy being active. We want to teach them healthy life habits. For the future, we want unlimited possibilities for travel. We want to be eligible for missionary service in any part of the world without health restrictions. We want to plan for and enjoy the future.

It's been how many years?!!?

Well, come June it will have been 20 years since Paul and I graduated from High School. If you can't read that number you must be as old as we are. In an effort to.... um.... uh.... honestly, I'm sitting here and can't think of a reason why, Paul and I have looked up our Alma maters and determined when our reunions are. I was relieved to know I have until August to shed 20 lbs. and 20 years, minus the big hair. No seriously, they posted our graduation pictures on the website and I almost reverted to the fetal position. Wowza! The only consolation I have is that there are plenty of photos on there of people with bigger hair than mine.
Anyway, I didn't go to my 5th because I was in Guatemala on my mission. I didn't go to my 10th because I had a 5 month old baby, the baby fat to go with it, and a husband and that was MIA because he was still in Puerto Rico. Yeah, that wasn't happening. So, this is it. Time to overcome those high school insecurities that still I carry somewhere deep inside the grown-up I've become. Tee hee hee (Sorry, can't help it, I don't think I'll ever be truly grown up!)
I wouldn't describe my self as being shy, I just didn't think anyone knew who I was. This was confirmed in college when I went to a Halloween dance and, forgive the arrogance, I looked good. It was an Elvira type costume without quite so much cleavage. Anyway, a guy I knew from junior high and high school who incidentally, I had a crush on at one point, came up and started hitting on me. He gave me a fake name and when I called him on it and told him a little of what I knew about him, I could see in his eyes that he still didn't quite remember me. I really felt forgetable then! His friend remembered me though, he even knew my name. Nice guy.
Since returning to my old stomping grounds, Davis County, after 12 years or so, I have run into many people from high school, some of whom I didn't remember or recognize. This has caused me to realize that all those people who seemed so "all that" and confident were just trying to get through the best they could. Just like the rest of us.
I've often thought that I would like to go back to high school with the knowledge I have now. Just for a little while, I certainly wouldn't want to go through it ALL over again. Ugggh! For a little while though, I could have a lot of fun!
For what it's worth, in August I will be facing my misconceptions and biases. I think it will be interesting and enlightening. Eliptical, don't fail me now! Six and a half months and counting!

Stop for a good blower

Today, we went on a bike ride around the track behind our house. Even Emma was game with her little training wheeled bike. I pulled Jenna in the wagon.

At one point, as I approached Emma on the track, I saw that she was off her bike hunched down on the ground. My first thought was that she must have crashed and gotten hurt. I called to her, asking if she was hurt. She looked up with a grin and it was then I saw that she was hunched over a perfect specimen of a dandelion gone to seed. It was begging to be blown. With a smile of pure pleasure she took a deep breath and blew. She watched the fluff float away with delight, then mounted her bike and took off shouting a challenge for a race.

I looked around and realized that I hadn't even notice the great blowing opportunities around us. I picked one and handed it to Jenna. I was equally fascinated to watch her tentatively reach out one chubby finger to slowly touch the soft fluff. The look on her face was one of wonder and delight. Her persistence in trying to blow hard enough to make the seeds fly was a lesson in itself.

As we continued around the track I found myself wondering how many "good blowers" I was missing in my daily life. How many times do I stop amidst my daily race around in circles to notice the good things? The things that lighten my heart and make me smile. Taking time to enjoy tickling one of my kids, playing hide and go seek, really listening to made-up songs or looking at "special" rocks. I forget to notice how blue the sky is, or how the breeze carries the smells of fallen leaves and the approach of winter. God has given us so much beauty, laughter, love, and daily miracles. Unfortunately, I spend much of the time staring down at the track as I daily circle around again and again, cleaning, laundry, meal preparations, etc. Only to find myself coming around to the starting point again, ready for a new day to begin, lost in the monotony. Not realizing the beauty, laughter, excitement, and connections I could have enjoyed but have missed.

Time to go back to school!

Paul said I was talking in my sleep last night which I very rarely do. He told me that I clearly said, "I can't take you to Michael's if you're going to act like this!" I don't remember what I was dreaming about but apparently my subconcious is registering frustration with taking all 4 of my children on errands.

Surprise gift game!

Here's a fun blogging game started by my friend Dahlene over at My Happy Family...

Be one of the first three people to leave a comment on this post and you'll receive something handmade from me sometime in the next year. But there is a catch. You have to do the same thing on your blog. And then once you get the item from me you have to comment about it on my blog!! Your entry into this, is your most embarrassing moment.

I have so many stories in my arsenal, but I guess it will be the one at Bear Lake. When I was about 15 we had a ward outing and they had reserved two cabins to let people shower. I was showering, when someone knocked on the door and informed my friend that there was a fire and we had to evacuate immediately! Looong story short, I ended up on the highway with the rest of my ward in a towel with a blanket thrown over me as all the little kids asked me if I had "any clothes on under there" and the semi truck drivers honked!

Emma's Peter Pan syndrome

Emma has informed us multiple times, sometimes tearfully, that she doesn't want to grow up. She doesn't want to be a mommy. She doesn't even pretend to be mommy to her dolls. I have to admit this has made me question my example of motherhood. I wonder if my life really looks that miserable. Maybe all she sees is a stressed out adult who works doing things she doesn't like (cleaning toilets, laundry, the list could go on and on and on) and yells a lot. I take comfort that when asked why, she has said that she doesn't want to stop being Emma. We have had many conversations about things we learn, opportunities in her future, and the fact that she will still be Emma. We have even shown her pictures of Paul and I as children. Unfortunately, she can't seem to understand it that way. So for now, I just tell her that she doesn't have to grow up now and she won't have to until she is ready. This is okay with me. She is growing up too fast as it is.
Meanwhile, I'm working on having more fun during my days, listening to music, singing, dancing, and laughing. She is right. I need to show my happiness and be crazy sometimes. It sure helps to beat the January blues!

My Mother Letter

As I posted in a previous blog (Mother Letters) I wrote a letter to contribute to a Christmas gift one husband gave to his wife. He asked anyone willing to write a letter to his wife with words of encouragement, experiences, etc. I decided to copy the letter I wrote here so that I would have it recorded for myself and my family. If you would like to know more about the project, click here. There are some amazing thoughts from mothers around the world. BTW, he received more than 500 letters!


Dear Mother,

As I contemplated this challenge of summing up motherhood into a letter, I realized what a monumental task it is. Defining motherhood and ourselves by extension is an impossible task. As I began my blog, in the “about us” section, I felt forced to define our family and by extension myself. At different points in my life I have defined myself as a student, teacher, friend, girlfriend, missionary, waitress, wife, mother, housekeeper, chauffeur, cook, room mother, director of plays, writer, translator, church worker, and the list goes on and on. I wish I could come up with a definitive label for myself (in my mind) that encompasses all that I am now and have been. Sometimes “stay at home mom” doesn’t begin to describe me. I love being a mother. I also realize that sometimes I need to feel like a woman, sometimes a wife, and often a validated individual. Maybe I am looking for a definition that isn’t just what I do but all that I am. I guess I am just ME! and some days that is more than enough!
I have done many things in my life, from living without indoor plumbing or electricity in a third world country for 8 months and learning to truly love the people, to teaching 4th and 6th graders. I have to say, striving to be the mother I want for my children is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. It stretches my creativity, patience, and coping skills beyond limits I ever imagined and I don’t even have teenagers yet!
As for advice, the thing I am striving for most in my journey of motherhood is to keep the big picture in mind and tailor my goals and reactions to each challenge accordingly. I try to ask myself if this will really matter to who my child will become in the future. Is this a skill he/she will really need or just something I want.
I lose my temper frequently and many times realize after the fact that “I made a mountain out of that mole hill” but then I try to forgive myself and move forward. Most of the time the forgiveness part is the most difficult. Forgiving ourselves brings me to the other bit of advice that I try to remind myself of...we needn’t be too hard on ourselves. Even mothers are imperfect and on our own journeys to better ourselves each day. I believe that God made children with short memories and forgiving hearts for that reason. Oh, and stop comparing yourself to the wonder mom down the street. She doesn’t show you her dirty bathrooms and the tears she cries on hard days. It is a good thing God doesn’t judge us by our perceptions of the neighbor moms! As I strive each day to do my best, I pray often to my loving Heavenly Father and ask that he make up the difference between my best efforts and everything my children need. I have faith He will, because I know He loves them too. A personal relationship with Him goes a long way to feeling His loving presence in your life.
I recently heard a wonderful talk given by a local church leader that helps me to keep my perspective. He said that instead of making lists of “things to do” make it a list of “people to love”. Nearly everything we do affects someone. It would be a much better world, a happier family, a happier heart, if the things we do every day were done with love for the people they affect. I read a post about a lady who folds laundry this way. As she folds each article of clothing she thinks of something she loves about the person it belongs to.
We are trying to teach our children that our love is best demonstrated by our actions, not just saying “I love you”. How much more love could exist in our homes if all the “to dos” were done with love for members of the family in mind?
Finally, take a break once in a while. Everyone needs to find the individual inside the mom once in a while. I find that I am more patient and loving when given the chance to miss my children once in a while.
Keep your chin up. Keep trying and know that there are many other mothers out there cheering for you as well as a loving Heavenly Father who wants you to succeed in creating your own happy ending with your family.

With love, from a small part of your own cheering section,
Brooke
Mother of four ages 8, 6, 4, 14 months

Though this letter is full of things that rarely resemble my real day to day life, it has helped me to write them down and read them often to keep my perspective. I would highly recommend writing your own "mother letter" whether it is about yourself, about the mother you hope to be one day, or about your own mother, wife, sister daughter etc.

My 6 Quirks

My friend Dahlene posted this on her site and since I don't have to pin down anyone else to ask them questions I thought this is the one for me. So here goes:

1. I am normally a very loving, affectionate mother but I cannot stand to have my children touch me at the dinner table. I know it's strange, but I see those sticky, crumb encrusted little fingers coming at me and...oh the horror! I also hate it when they touch me with their feet under the table. I just need my space when I am eating, is that too much to ask? Unfortunately, my children know of this quirk of mine and use it like anything else they know annoys me... mercilessly.
2. I can't read just one book at a time. I have to have several books from different genres going at the same time. I know I need to cut back when, in my dreams, the vampire starts spouting gospel truths or the pile on my nightstand threatens to bury me alive in bed.
3. I am an incurable pack rat when it comes to school supplies or teaching materials. Even though I don't have any plans to go back to teaching I can't get rid of my teaching materials and in fact continue to collect them. It's a sickness really.
4. If you think I am a pack rat about teaching materials, I am positively obsessed about books! (see #2) Just ask anyone who has ever tried to help us move. "Another box of books!!!"
5. I was a tomboy and proud of it. The only times my mother could wrestle me into a dress was on Sunday and picture day. By 4th grade even picture day required pants. I was a champion tricky bar expert, and won the cartwheel contest in6th grade, hands down. I climbed trees, high walls begged me to walk on them and jump off, puddles had to be jumped in, dirt clods had to be thrown, and the only bike for me was a dirt bike. I still love to hike, rappel, snorkle, ride bikes, dig in the dirt, look for bugs, and like, are you ready... snakes! Jeans and t-shirts are my preferred choice and not just because I am a mom to 4 young children. I am however, somewhat proud to say that if I want to, I can still "clean up" pretty good.
6. And finally, #6, my secret shame, laid bare for all the world to see (at least the 5 people who read this blog) are you ready to be horrified? sick to your stomach?..... Shoe shopping. It's not what you think. I hate it. I would rather scrub toilets and my stove top (both of which are waiting for me right now, but this is more fun) than go shoe shopping! There it is, all my shame laid on the table. Some may wonder if I have some of my wires crossed (definitely), or if I am missing some vital piece of female DNA (see #5). I don't know, but I just don't understand the love affair involved in shoe shopping. In fact, over the years, Paul has bought most of my shoes. Whew, it's out! Judge me as you may, but I'll never take it back!

I am sure Paul would have a completely set of quirks that he would list for me, but this is my list and I have approved it!